Hi. We meet again. Here’s the story of the month. I felt extremely emotional while writing this one. Please read it to feel and not for reading pleasure.
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I was “NOTHING”. No, not nothing as in nothing. Umm… how should I describe it. Well, I guess you can say Nothing was a race and I was one of them. I never had any name - just a tag no. Just like roll number assigned to school kids. There were other ‘Nothings’ like me with different tag nos. We used to forever float in a next-to-nothing void. No, we were not orphans or freaks or some experimental beings. We were actually ‘Nothing’. Some very nice councillors used to guide us through the vast labyrinth of ancient knowledge. There were no scriptures, no rulebooks and certainly no canes to discipline us. We were always encouraged to focus on our inner strength to seek knowledge.
Like every society, we too had different layers. Prominent ones were - Nothing i.e Us and SOMETHING i.e. Ancient. There were some more layers like our councillors, but we never really bothered about them because they belonged to the minority section of the society. Clearly a case of ‘have’ or ‘have not’. ‘Something’ or the Ancient lived somewhere beyond the void. Supposedly, a very exotic place. They also had proper names - some fancy difficult-to-pronounce ones. The gap between us was too huge for comparison. For example, if we used to sparkle, they used to shine. If we used to float, they used to glide. The biggest difference was their ability to perform miracles. Not like the magicians you are acquainted with here who use sophisticated techno-gimmick to create illusions for the audience. But real powerful ones. We i.e. Nothings used to eagerly wait for their visit to our place.
Our existence inside the void was a lot like an all-expenses paid holiday in some exotic island. Everyone was content with their status quo. Everyone except me. I was desperately seeking something beyond the void. Since, I was too gung-ho about ‘Somethings’, I automatically assumed that it’s their place I seek. After all, ‘Something’ is better than ‘Nothing’ - ain’t it? After a long inner battle, I finally shared my thoughts with the elders. But they politely informed me that I am not ready for my next venture. For void’s sake!!! How cryptic can one be? Whatever do they mean by not ready yet? What am I getting ready for? According to them, I am a good student whose progress is much faster than others. So why am I not ready? With their every ‘no’ my resolve to be ‘Something’ became stronger. Unable to change my decision, the elders did the only thing that they can do - pass the buck. Overnight, I became famous. Can you guess, no one before me ever thought of revolting against the system. I was the first one to do so. They were at a fix. My petition kept moving upward and at every level they tried to counsel, cajole and even dissuade me from such sacriledge but I was adamant. Finally, after much deliberation, they moved my petition to EVERYTHING - the highest level (a lot like your Supreme Court).
No, I don’t mean EVERYTHING as in everything. EVERYTHING was actually our king. He was the encyclopedia of knowledge. Naaah!! He was knowledge and the greatest magician of all times. He was the embodiment of all that was good, love and light. His residential address was a mystery to all. Yet, he was always aware of every minute detail. He responded quickly to the summons of the elders. Garbed only in a halo of blinding light, he looked magnificent. This was our first meeting. He overwhelmed me with his presence. After meeting him, I changed my decision instantly. No, No. I still wanted to move out - only the destination changed - from Something to Everything. With a firm resolve and utter sincerity, I told him so.
He was the king and we were his mere subject. It was like asking the President, “I would like to be your guest from now onwards.” My request was so out of line and blasphemous that everyone tut-tutted at my transgression. But he just smiled and said, “This is not your time.”
I almost agreed with him. So potent was his charm. But fool that I was, I insisted. Cool that he was, he just smiled and said, “Ok, if that is what you wish, you will get it. But it comes with a price. Price of passing a test - with flying colours. Henceforth, you will go on a voyage where you will end up facing many situations. The choice you make while dealing with those situations will be the deciding factor as to whether you will live with me in future or not.”
Fah!! I guess, he was not such a know-it-all after all. Otherwise, he would have known that I was the smartest and the brightest among the entire Nothing race. I readily conveyed my participation for the test.
“Think again. It’s not an easy test. The journey is fraught with danger. Once you start the journey, there is no going back. Don’t blame me at that time for your condition.” He cautioned.
With a calm resolve, I responded “No, I won’t. Let’s do it.”
Still smiling, he said, “So be it. Begin your journey. Try not to forget all that you learned so far. Whenever in doubt, derive strength from those knowledge. May the light of knowledge go with you.” And just like that he was gone and I started falling forward in an unknown void for my journey ahead.
Are you, by any chance, bored with all these Nothing, Something and Everything stuff? Don’t say ‘no’ for the sake of being polite. As you must have guessed, I am not an earthling. I belong to outer space where we never communicated using language as a tool. Communication was entirely based on telepathy. Hence, none of us even tried our hand at writing either. This is my first writing experience. I apologize for my rusty and lacklustre writing style. But if you stay tuned, I am sure you will like it. After all, language is all about expressing one’s inner thought instead of minding mere ‘Ps’ and ‘Qs”. I hope the expression is correct - if not, you can always troll me on social media.
Let’s get back to the story. After agreeing to the test, I felt myself falling very fast into another dark void. An eerily silent void. I was completely alone most of the times. But there were times when I felt the presence of other travellers who were busy navigating through their pre-defined routes. Weird fellows!! I mean, what stops you from waving once in a while and saying hello to a fellow traveller. What is the point of embarking in a journey if you are not ready to enjoy the view. Rebel that I was, I tried to change the course of my journey a couple of times, but unfortunately I was on autopilot with the controls in someone else’s hand. After a long, hard and tiring journey, I crash landed at……. well I guess, wherever Everything wanted me to land. Last leg of my journey was so rough that I blacked out. No, no… It’s not like fainting but more like drained-out battery. Don’t worry. This is normal for me. I am conditioned to put myself in a state of limbo to recharge my inner self using the universal energy.
When I regained my equilibrium, I started exploring the new place. I soon realized that I am straight-jacketed inside something extremely tiny. I tried with all my might to escape from this … this…this tiny as a poppy seed thingy. But I failed - miserably. Slowly, I realized that this jacket is just the first layer. When I was doing my great Houdini act, my jacket was bumping into another structure/jacket. Perplexed, I started thinking as to how many more jackets there could be. Is this my test then? To escape this confinement? Is this the secret passage through which one can reach Everything? Believing this to be true, I started slamming on the inner wall of my jacket. A strange thing happened. The jacket started jerking and I became aware of a strange faint drum beat. Sensing that I am at the threshhold of some stupendous breakthrough, I started slamming harder. The jerking motion of my jacket kept reacting to my every slam - faster, quicker and harder. The faint sound of the drum beat was getting equally irratic. I was determined to break free. By now, I started sensing the jerking motion of other layers also alongwith another irratic beat of a similar sounding drum. The effort was too draining. Slowly, I went back to my previous limbo state.
Sometime later, I once again regained my equilibrium. Inspite of a fully re-charged self, my ‘I wanna break free’ moment was a damp squib. I just hope the Queen’s won’t sue me for this. Mr. Everything, the wily-old man, has really gone and done it this time. Gosh!!! what an idea - one confinement in exchange of another. I can’t even escape this one without endangering the jackets (and me, ofcourse). I was torn between breaking free and not disrupting the jackets. I guess the jerking motion proved beyond doubt that they don’t want me to leave this way. Defeated, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy my new quarters.
Looking back, I think it was the best time of my existence. But at that time, I cribbed and sulked a lot. Slowly, I became aware of another ‘Nothing’ just beyond my jacket. An old ‘Nothing’. Like a friendly neighbour, I tried to communicate with it but unfortunately received no acknowledgement in return. With the passing of time, my jacket started changing shape. From a poppy seed, it changed into a tadpole-like shape with limbs. My jacket itself was intricately designed from inside and was encased in some fluidy thing. In someway, it was also wired to the outer jacket. Probably because of this, there was a strange connection between the two jackets. Through them I learned something extraordinary, something that was so original and so new…..FEELINGS. Yes, feelings. No… I am not kidding you. Seriously. I had never experienced feelings before. Feeling of being loved, cared, wanted, needed. Wonderful… this business of feeling. These feelings swayed me so much that I forgot to be a spectator. I became involved… way too much involved. My jacket loved thrashing around. The feeling of pure joy felt by the outer jacket at that time was something that cannot be described in words. I felt all those and much more.
I also learned a lot about your culture, language, season, people, etc. My outer jacket was my teacher. I learned that my jacket is a body… a human body. The outer jacket was its mother/co-creator. I also learned that a body can be a male, female or eunuch. For me, who is asexual in nature, this was a great revealation. Mother won’t tell us much about it except that all of them leaked differently. How does it matter - as long as it leaks properly. Everyday was a new day for me. I was learning so much. Humans really knew how to live it up. Mother used to listen to some really soothing sounds. She called it music. Sometimes she used to sing for us. I just loved it. Overall, I was happy - yes, another feeling that I got acquainted with. Being deliciously, deliriously, devilishly happy. Everytime I was happy, the innards of my body used to burst out like a thousand lit up crackers.
It was like living in a paradise. A paradise complete with Adam, Eve and the snake. Well, if you are wondering who is who - then let me clarify that I fancied myself being Adam and my body - Eve. An ugly bulbous-shaped monster called mind inside Eve’s head was the damning snake. It was one cranky child. I wish I had a device to record it’s midsummer night dreams. Always working, always awake, always doubting. Me and Mr. mind - we were always at war over the ownership of my beautiful Eve. Things came to an impasse the day I learned that all my feelings are not mine but belongs to the mind. He was constantly channelizing all his feelings to me and confusing me from achieving my goal - which was to reach the place where Everything lived. But I, like Adam, was knee deep in love with Eve to think of parting ways.
With time, I started sensing more ‘Nothings’ around me. Some of the auras were soothing while some were really confusing. Especially the ones who kept saying something about ‘better be a boy’. Everytime that happened, mother used to get all stiff. At that time I felt her anger, hurt, pain, helplessness. Whatever those feelings were … they used to leave me drained out completely. Overtime, Eve started getting bigger and bigger. Eve and mother were in considerable pain, trying to accomodate each other, but both were not complaining. It was as if they were really relishing their pain in a sweet way. One day, without any warning, the fluidy thing around Eve broke under the immense pressure of it’s weight. It was utter mayhem. Yelling, thrashing, pushing, breathing ……. panic …. pain….. so much pain. After many hours, we, i.e. me and Eve slipped through the void to …. wow!!! is that it then? The mystic land of Everything. I can hear Eve bawling loudly. Somebody announced, “It’s a girl”. Eve, now wrapped in some kind of a strange layer, was handed over to someone with a known aura. Soothing aura. “She is beautiful”, said a tired and sad voice. Inspite of a disconnected umbilical cord, Eve acknowledged its creator and stopped bawling.
We must have dozed off - me and Eve because it was quite late when she woke up feeling scared. I thought she was hungry but no, she was scared. I sensed another ‘Nothing’ - an angry one - tip-toeing around us. Mother was soundly sleeping next to us. Suddenly, the angry ‘Nothing’ clapped one big paw on Eve’s mouth to stop her from crying out loud and wrapped us tightly in some rough layer. After hoisting us like a sack of potato, it walked out of the room silently. It started moving very fast. Our ride was an extremely rough one. Eve’s face was hitting the shoulder each time it jumped, which was quite often. There was a piece of cloth stuck in her mouth, making it difficult for her to cry out. After sometime the angry ‘Nothing’ stopped for a while and then started moving upwards. At that time, I realized what it means to smell danger. He stopped at the top where he removed the layer around Eve and left her exposed on top of a cylindrical metallic object called pipe. “Die. You worthless girl. Die.” with this last parting words he left.
Eve was scared and bawling. Blood was dripping from her nose which was broken due to the rough ride. Snake i.e. mind was working overtime - blaming everyone and everything for the situation. I was in shock. It was cold. Eve was shivering. To make matter worse, it started raining. Eve tried to move herself but each time she tried she kept flopping back, hurting herself in the process. During one such attempt, she even grazed her limbs. Wet, bloodied and hungry, Eve started choking on her own tears. By the time rain stopped, her beautiful body was covered with numerous cuts and angry red blotches. I felt her getting stiff with cold. Her chest was making a horrible whooping sound. But her ordeal was far from over. New enemies such as maggots, flies, rodents, etc. emerged to buzz, nible, pinch and bite. By this time, Eve was too exhausted to even cry. She was whimpering pitifully, resigned to her fate. I felt helpless. All the knowledge that I was so proud of, seemed inadequate to deal with this situation. Focusing all my energy, I sincerely appealed to Everything to end her suffering. Throughout the night Eve struggled. Her laboured breathing became fainter and fainter. With the arrival of dawn, she breathed her last. My sweet innocent Eve - dead. They killed her in cold blood because she was a girl.
Free at last, I saw the portal for Everything’s place was open for me to pass through. But I was in shock. I kept looking at Eve’s lifeless body. A question kept rolling around my existence - WHY?
My journey continues till date.
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Can we really afford to talk of freedom and progress when such social evils still exist in our society? Is this just an individual issue? Or are we actually nothing, forever aspiring to be something and greedy for everything?
Copyright:
Story by Shukla Banik
Artwork by Pampa Banik
